Madeleine

2017-05-22
08:31:00

Clinicals tomorrow
 
I never, ever thought, not even in my wildest imagination, that I would have to wear this again, my clinical dress.
Beautiful na?
If you only knew the amount of torture I've gone through wearing that.
But no, to be fair, there's been more good times than bad times while wearing it. Amazing meeting with patients, interesting discussions and learning moments, kids have been born and held preciously. Mentally challenged children have huged it and pulled in it. Blood have been splashed on it. Inc have leaked on it. It has become soaking wet during a typical Indian rain season and during a typical humid weather when a fan have not been enough to keep you from sweating like a pig.
I do wear it with pride☺
 
 

2017-05-20
09:26:24

Do you believe in horoscope?
 
Good morning friends and loved ones:)
 
I red the horoscope online today, and it said: 
"Take your time! The direction your life is taking is more evident to you but, unfortunately, other aspects are as blurry as ever. You're in the process of major internal transformation, dear Leo, and it isn't always easy. You'll have to tolerate feeling lost and unstable for a while. In the end, you'll be all the more blessed for having experienced this difficult time".
Oh goosh, the horoscope couldn't explain it better than this. 
 
So, now it's been a few days ago since I came back to Manipal, and I feel I'm about to loose it.
My mind is all over the place, and I can't put focus on anything else but what I should NOT do. 
I sleep, I make food, I go for walks, I watch the news, I take long showers, I watch nonsens on youtube, I drink coffee like crazy...everything else exept studying.. I started reading some old notes yesterday, but that's as far as I've come. My head is spinning with worries about everything else but the exam, and I have to push myself out of bed every morning to get the day started. Somewhere I KNOW it's just a phase in life, but what if it never ends? This morning I even woke up with stomach cramps...woooho:)
Or am I just missing my bf...:/
 
I do believe that the moon and our solar system affect us people and our way of feeling and behaving to a certain extent. And if not, it's just a fun reading!
 
Take good care of one another:)
 
 
 
 

2017-05-18
08:54:00

What plans has the Universe already made for us?
 
 Hej och hallå vänner☺
 
 It's been a while since I wrote, I guess almost 9 months. 
Yea, I'm still living in incredible India with my incredible man in Manipal, and we've been traveling back and forth Manipal since last year, lived in Goa during season time, planning the future, met obstaobstatricls on the way and overcome them.
We're planning to come to Sweden this summer and so Sadu had to apply for visa which got denied the first time. This hit us both very hard emotionally. But we told each other to give it another try, since the reason for denying the visa was very vaguely explained.
India is a very bureaucratic country, as I've probably mentioned before, and it wouldn't surprise us that they just denied it just so they could get another 5000Rs in their pocket...incredible India..
 
After the application we finally traveled up north to Himachel Pradesh - mostly to enjoy the wonderful mountains, trekking etc. But to also assess and help out a project work in Kasol.
And so when we had spent about a week in Parvati valley I called my college to confirm payment and date of my exam, and so I came to know that I also had a practical exam to do. A practical exam I already passed last year. Apparently, if you fail in your theory exam, which I did with 5 MARKS, one have to do the 6 houre long and mentally challenging practical exam aswell, again. I totally broke down in tears, anger and frustration. And so I just had to abruptly end our travel and other plans and head back to Manipal, leaving my bf in the beautiful mountains. It was not easy to go back. I'm still in "chock" and feeling down, as if I'm on the edge of crying any time..
So, this last two months have not been very easy, but I guess as life in general gives you challenges to overcome and become stronger in the end.
We both have discussed the challenges we've faced, and questioned the believe we both have, what plans We make and the plans The Universe have already made for us. And when it works against us, the greater challenge comes to accept certain things that happens in life. Cause in the end, we can't do more than trying.
I wanna look back at life and say that "I did it", "I tried and did my best" and that "I don't regret a single thing of the choices I made".
 
 
 
With love
 ☺
 

2016-09-06
10:27:12

study leave
 
So, I'm having my study leave now (finally completed all clinical compensation and classes..!! Wiiee!!), and I'm just....bluuuuuuuhhhuuu!!
I feel like dancing and running around, everything else but studying..
 
F*ck I'm gonna celebrate when everything is done, with a loooong night of dancing n lots of wine!!:)
 
Peace, love & understanding:)
 
 

2016-08-09
16:52:21

Doctors, behave!
 
 So, during my four years as a nurse students I've come across a number of occations where doctor students have got much better treatment than the nursing students in the clinics. They are always allowed to take up space in the wards, but we nursing students have to find a small corner to stand in during our clinical teaching. Or we may not be alowed to listen during rounds, cause it has to look as if we're working all the time. There's nothing that look more bad than a nurse who has nothing to do, but a doctor can sit in his comfy chair without a problem. We need to put up our hair in a descent bun and only wear one pair of earings. Make up and nailpolish is strictly forbidden.
But doctors can aparently have whatever style they want. If someone in the hospital would happen to see a nursing student with a phone in their hand there would go a call directly to our Dean. But does anyone say anything to the doctor students? I can't remember how many times I've seen a doctor student clicking a pic of a client's health history chart.
 
And speaking of clicking a pic. When a person get admitted to a hospital one of the most important thing for a care taker to keep in mind is to respect and maintain the client's integrity. But most of that disappears as soon as one enter the hospital. Sadly, but true... One of the rules is that one is not allowed to click a picture of someone without permission. And guys, don't ask me how many times I've seen doctor take pictures on their client's affected body parts without even asking for permission. It hapened to me once. And yea, I don't really mind that they're taking pics due to learning purpose. Very understandable. But for heaven sake ASK first before clicking. It's a vital thing to ask for permission, even for a doctor. It's even more insulting when you're lying on the operation table and you won't know what's happening, or you're in ICU and not able to communicate cause there's a tube stuck down in your trachea. And suddenly there's a doctor who wants to take a pic of your very interesting colourful mark on your chest who no one ever seen before.
 
No, doctors, behave and show some respect, please!
 
 
 

2016-08-06
20:32:21

Meeting with reality
 
I had a meeting with reality today. My first day of clinical compensation duty has started (less serious than it sounds) and it felt good being back. Being back at the hospital also means that one gets to see some pretty nasty things as well. I met a girl today, she's in my age and got a probable diagnosis of Hepatitis E.
Now, Hep.A and B are the one's who every one knows about since we usually take immunization for it. But hep. E is more rare, spreads via the blood, attacks the liver and has no cure.
Being in a hospital puts your life into perspective sometimes. And I sometimes wonder why we have (or at least I have) to be reminded every now and then of how lucky I should be that I'm not one of those people who daily struggles with very a infectious disease or deadly sickness. That we're one of those who struggle through career and family life while another can only dream about one. Some people need a wake-up call in form of an infarct in order to stop bad habits.
An older woman sleeping next to the girl at the hospital got discharged against medical advice since the family apparently decided that it was not worth the medical expenses they had put out in order to keep her there. Maybe they were one of those thousands of families who goes completely bankrupt every year due to the way to high medical expences than the family can't afford. It was a weird feeling seeing the nurses slowly but steady removing all the devices from her bed side. The last one the respiratory support which was kept till the moment they shifter her to the car. Knowing that she won't make it for long without her reapiratory support at her present condition...
And there we walk, from one bed to another, the nurses and I, talking about the future, gossiping in Kannada, laughing to the doctors bad handwriting and hide behind lockers when the X-ray machine is going wild. Does one have to be cold hearted or warm hearted in order to function in this environment? Maybe good at controlling when feelings are needed and not...
 
Peace out and enjoy the weekend people:)
 

2016-08-01
17:59:00

If 12 year old me only knew...
 
It was my birthday last week, and it hit me that this was the first time that I celebrated my birthday alone. No love, no family, no friends.
I am not afraid of being alone. And I actually see it as a very important thing to practise on. Spending time with me, myself and I brings out the opportunity to get to know yourself and to strengthen the inner you. Celebrating your birthday alone is not something i recommend though. But sometimes you can't do much about a situation but to accept and understand it. And I came to realize few things during that day when I, apparently, turned 28!
 
My birthday started of with a loving skype at midnight, and got my first wish from Sadu whom I love deeply and the one i missed the most that day.. I also got calls from back home and wishes on fb, and am waiting for two parcels so I couldn't be more happy for all the wishes I got that day, so thank you all for the wishes!:)
I didn't do much that day but went for a walk, bought myself a cake, checked out fb, listened to music and did a little of studies in the evening..I also took a nice look of myselfe in the mirror - 28. Do I look like 28? Any wrinkles yet? Maaaybe.. A couple of white hairs for sure! 
 
According to my own wishes when I was 12 years old I should have finished my studies and work as a flourist, be married and have two kids by now! But I couldn't be more than so happy and proud of myself that I am were I am in life at the moment. Not what 12 year old me imagined, but better. A life filled with love, life experiences, challenges and even bigger dreams! Life is just getting better and better for every year, and that's my goal. 
 
At the moment I'm preparing for my finals in September, and after four years of studies I can't wait for a new chapter to start and new goals to reach. I want to create something that feels stable in life, and something that feels like a home that I never want to leave; live a life that I wish will never end. Focus on things other than myself. Get out of the box I've spent four years in and take my heart with me and see how well I do out in the real world. Tell myself that I can instead of I can't. I want to believe that if you want something all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it (Paulo Coelho). And I want to be that frog with hearing problems that reaches the top because he didn't listen to all the people telling him that he couldn't:) Cause one day you'll wake up and there won't be any more time to do the things you've always wanted.
 
And I want to live life and fall and fly together with that one person who fills my heart with love, strength and happiness:) 
 
 
 Peace & lots of love...:)
 

2016-05-28
20:20:00

Last class with my class...
 
So, today we had our last class in college. It was not much of class but more of running up and down the stairs catching teachers and asking for their sign in the procedure book. Some teachers being more happy than others to sign them, but yea;)
Am still "looking forward" to a few more classes in july though since the college decided to add a new Geriatrics class to the syllabus.. 
But man, am looking forward to a month of changing atmosphere and to breath in some fresh air. I really need to get out of here for some time...and of course a little bit of studies;)
 
So yea, last Saturday before a month of "study leave". I "celebrated it" with a glass of wine (first one in a month, omg it tasted good), sent clothes for cleaning, and cleaned the apartment.
And while cleaning the apartment a little creature started running around in the kitchen, and later our cat found it and cought the mouse...!! Goosh, I just couldn't let that happen and took him away and let the mouse go. But I swear that the mouse was playing dead for a moment, and later it ran away somewhere..
I guess Valium is angry with me now cause I took away a little bit of his fun..:/
 
So this was my Saturday evening. Feel kind of old and boring hearing all youngsters screaming and running around outside the apartment building. And someone is throwing a party somewhere in the house with not the best lullaby playing, so we'll see if this aunty will get some good sleep tonight..;)
 
Miss you love...
 
 
 Peace!
 
 

2016-05-08
09:49:00

Am counting my day's...

I'm counting my days as a college student at MCON. Or, actually I've been keeping count since I guess from somewhere in 2nd year when I was starting to feel a bit tired and uncomfortable in the environment over here. I remember that I thought of quitting and continue my studies back home. But then I started to imagine how afraid I would be of the feeling of failing and maybe missing the place too. Now, I don't regret  at all that I decided to stay. These four years have been the best experience in my life so far. And I am so thankful for all the experiences I've gained.
 
Things are slowly but steadily coming to an end. But an end also means that there will be a beginning of something new! And I can't ignore the fact that I recognize these feelings that I'm having at the moment. Same feeling I had when we all graduated high school 2007. The same feeling of happiness, sadness, curiosity, relief and fear at the same time, flavoured with a big scope of Masala this time of course;)
 
I'm sitting on a slope below our house looking over the forest and all the lights popping up between the trees indicating presence of small houses I guess. I can hear a soft Hindu anthem coming from the forest somewhere. What are the Hindu's celebrating today, I wonder. Hinduism is an interesting religion indeed. So many Gods to look after and to celebrate every year!
After the forest I view larger buildings and brighter lights, Udupi, and far away I sight the Arabian sea. The sea that every teacher forbid you to enter. But tell me a student who hasn't. But why do we humans have the tendency to do things that we know is forbidden? Because we are born with a brain that is able to rationalize and question stuff in our mind. Good stuff.  
 
So yea, here I'm sitting on this slope looking at the sunset, and I am having the same feeling I had nine years ago. The only difference is that I'm graduating college, and are suppose to have filled my life bag with more life experience and wisdom, supposedly. And of course, I have! Even though, in some moments I wonder how much knowledge and experience I've actually gained. Have I taken good care of the time I spent here? And what shall I do with all this experience and wisdom that I've gained over the years? How do I manage the information in the best, possible way? What is my next goal in life? Is it possible to reach? I know I shouldn't be asking those questions. If you want something in life just grab the opportunity and follow your heart. And I know it sounds really easy. And for some people it might be. But to others it is really challenging since It's all based on your past, and how it has shaped you as a person. But I know what I want. I just need someone to kick me in the butt and tell me that I can do it. And I know I need to work on my fear and in being a strong believer that whatever happens in life it happens for the best. And whatever challenge or setback you face in life you will come out of it alive, and maybe more alive than ever before.
 
I feel nervous all of a sudden since a simple thought hit my head; for four years, people around me (teachers, staff, classmates etc.) have been constantly telling me what I should do. And soon, with help from the force of the universe, I'll be able to take my own decisions in life. I'll be out of this "BOX" that I've been living in for so long, coming with the conclusion that we live in a world where each person is unique, hence putting everyone in the same box is the most insane and illogical thing to do in society. The only thing we get out of that is people being better than other people. But, in stead of only putting people on a unified scale between 1 to 10, we would get so much more out of a person if we started to think in more than one direction. People should be praised for what they are capable of and not compared to one another which will make the other person look smaller and less knowledgeable.
That's not how I want humans to be raised.  
 
Am looking up to the sky, and I notice that the stars are starting to be seen.
"Twinkle, twinkle little star. How  I wonder where you are.."
 
Peace:)
 
 

2016-04-30
02:18:00

Love
 
To someone who means the world to me...
 
We met on a party, and I came to know you partly..
Then we went on a trip, and my heart made a double flip 
I came to know you even more, so much more of you to love and adore
 
 I told you I love you, but I think you already knew 
 
 and suddenly we shared a flat, and somehow from where came that bat?;) 
 Thailand was amazing like crazy without a doubt, and a whole new side of you (or maybe both of us) came out 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  And I will never forget the songs we sang on the 1st of Jan... 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  I know that I will never be the only one feeling the same, but whom to blame 
 since you're one of a kind, my selfishness wish you'll always be mine 
 
 Whatever disagreement or fight, we know we fight because we both believe in the love that feels right
 You've showed me a great part of the world of yours, and I know there is more and am all ears 
 But I can't wait to take you to My side of town, since I know it'll make you frown 
 And I got one crazy wish and idea, to join all our different worlds together, which might take us to Sofia or Korea 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 But wherever in the world the force of the universe will take us, I know we got the guts     
 
You asked for 30 seconds, but yea, almost two years now..;)
I love you, and wish I could be with you right now. But I pray every day that we'll have forever, and a million of beautiful moments ahead to look forward to,..:)
 
 
 

2016-03-26
18:05:00

Indian school children clean the toilets
 
We were, surprised or not, given FOUR days of holiday! So of course, a lot of the students went home to visit their families. Me, on the other hand, took the possibility to do some compensation:) So on thuresday when everyone were celebrating Holi, I went to a PHC in Hiribettu.
 
I got to know something that really surprised me though. Or, maybe not. In the end, this is India. A country where their inhabitants are not used to question things, but instead to listen and follow what they are being told to do. Humbleness is good, but with a bucket of reasonable thinking, please.
For a certain reason Indian school children are being made to clean the toilets and swipe floors. And this is happening in a governmental setup and regime. My classmate also told me how she used to do the same thing. And every class would have their own responsibility. The rational behind it seems to be something like promoting the feeling of responsibility and importance of household care. Seriously...
Is there anyone who sees the great risk of spreading infection? Nursing students are being taught the risk of infection spreading and how to maintain a safe and hygienic environment. And this should be taken care of a ten year old? And where do you draw the line in child labor...at the age of 14!
This work could easily be given to a cleaning lady who'd get paid, and thereby creating work opportunities for people. But, no...
I got really angry hearing about this, and during a short visit to a small governmental school near by the primary health center the school children confirmed the matter. The boys did the cleaning of their Sir's toilet (the male teacher).
 
India, you'll never stop surprising me...
 
Peace!
 
 
 

2016-03-23
16:42:55

Give your plants a shower every now and then!
 
Our hibiscus have got some lice I believe, and so my mother told me to give it a nice shower together with some soap. And so I did immediately after finishing Skype. I don't want to lose this pretty one... And suddenly, while showering the plant the fresh smell of it remembered me about the time when my mother used to shower her plants, and still does of course! She would put all her green plants in the shower in our bathroom, and let it dry there for hours.  And sometimes I would have to wait taking a shower because the plants were occupying the space...;)
 
 Love you mom:)
 
 

2016-03-20
08:48:00

Labor theatre posting finished:)
 
I finished a week in the labor theatre yesterday. And I was in the neonatal ICU the week before that. So I've been cuddling with a lot of new borns lately:) Simply just amazing...
 It's been one of my best clinical posting ever. Well, actually it's called internship. But to me there's no difference between clinical posting and internship. We're getting separate evaluation in clinical posting as well as Internship. But in the end it's all about gaining knowledge and experience in the clinical area so.
 
I had this great, great whish before my internship started that I wanted to do it somewhere else, maybe in Sweden, in order to broaden my clinical experience and knowledge. Which could only be a good thing if you want to become more independent. And India, particularly need to strengthen their nurses independence and critical thinking, indeed. They are really knowledgeable, but the hospital doesn't recognize their knowledge all the time. Some doctors doesn't even know what nurses are studying. External internship creates independence and responsibility of your own gained knowledge.
 
Anyway, that train has left... Working in the Labor Theatre made me feel really good, and the sisters were really nice and friendly. It made you feel as if you were a part of something and that you did good. Same feeling I got working in the Operation Theatre during our 2nd year. Also, working in a hospital doesn't always mean you have to work with sick people. Obstetrics is, most of the time, about happy and exiting moments. Yea, your supporting a woman who's in sever pain and sometimes critical situations. But you're being a part of a great moment in a persons/family's life! And That's just an amazing feeling. And then you get to cuddle a little with the newborn of course;)
 
It's been amazing following a woman from her admission to LT till the time she's delivered and giving breast feed for her first time. Being with her through her pains and contractions, holding her hand, telling her that she's doing great, telling her to relax, rub her back, tell her to push (or in kannada "bikki, bikki") and finally "finished", "good job", "Congratulation" :)
I can't understand how dad's just don't want to be a part of that process, or why they are not allowed sometimes. They should! It's a such a cool thing, and you'll only get closer to your partner.
My man, my love, I know you'll be there for me no matter what! ("v")
I'm seriously into giving birth in water. Looks so cool and relaxing as a labor could be:)
 
 
Peace...!
 
 

2016-03-17
16:54:51

I'm not a practising christian but,..
 
I'm not a practicing Christian but I do believe in the very simple but oh so strong meaning of the golden rule, Matthew 7:12
 
 “So whatever you wish that others would do to you,
do also to them,
for this is the Law and the Prophets."
 
Peace
 
 
 
 

2016-03-14
14:09:00

When the truth punish you...
 
Goosh, I couldn't be more angry with myself. I am so extremely tired of living under such bureaucratic circumstances where people around you have decided to decide over Your life and where, apparently, you don't have a saying in it. Individuality appears as a threatening state of mind, and is far away from being respected.  Everyone around you is nodding their heads, trying to show that they understand even if they really don't. Called sympathy, even though what we need more in this world is empathy. So why aren't more people showing that?
Am tired of standing in a cue that
 
And how is it possible for a person to feel bad, when he/she is doing good? It all shows that you can't make everyone happy and satisfied. So select the people in your life who mean the most to you, and do and give what you have and can to those people who deserves it and whom you believe in.
 
"In a conflict between the heart and the brain, follow your heart"
/ Swami Vivekananda
 
God Bless you all...:)